The Tortoise and the Hare

Long ago, in a land far away (from my current location, anyway), there was a man named Aesop. He told a lot of stories that had nothing to do with reality, and included a less than subtle message about how people should be good. These stories were called fables.

One of the most famous of these is called the Tortoise and the Hare. I'm going to retell it (not, of course, that I wish to show myself a better storyteller than Aesop. This is not my intention, nor is it my intention to prove myself wiser. This might be the results anyway, but if so it is not my fault.)

Long ago, in a land far away, there was a tortoise. This tortoise was named Tortoise. He was the slowest and weakest of all the animals in the world. A hare, who happened to be named Hare, was constantly making fun of Tortoise's slowness. You see, Hare was the fastest.

One day, Tortoise got sick of this. "I'm sick of this," he said to Hare. "I challenge you to a race."

After the laughs died down, everyone realized that Tortoise was serious. An awkward silence settled over those present. Hare stared at Tortoise with a confused grin. "Well, okay," he said.

So everyone immediately placed all their money on the victory of Hare, except for one wise old man. This wise old man slowly sized up the odds, then quietly muttered something to himself. "Slow and steady wins the race." He was nearly drowning in wisdom.

Tortoise and Hare lined up at a large, imposing baobob tree. Tortoise suggested that their destination be another tree about a hundred yards away. "No, how about that one?" Hare said, pointing to one on the distant horizon.

"Okay," Tortoise said with a shrug. The possum named Possum shouted "Go!" The race was off.

Tortoise began to slowly plod along the path. Hare watched him go for a few seconds, then scratched his armpit and started running. Hare, as the fastest of all creatures, rapidly passed by Tortoise. He then preceded just as rapidly to reach the baobob tree on the distant horizon. Everyone cheered as he burst across the finish line.

Everyone was happy, except for the Tortoise and one wise old man.

Moral: Aesop was a little out of touch.

I think this story more adequately describes life as we know it. The losers lose and the winners win. God, however, tells a different story. He says that the first place champions will be nothing, and the losers will rule the world. He, however, is not out of touch with life. Aesop was eventually thrown off a cliff. God is still running the universe, and will continue in this infinitely.

So here's how the world works: everyone gets about seventy to eighty years to show his colors. Then, when that time is up, God decides whether that person has bright enough colors to make it into the ruling class. (Arrogance and apathy towards the lowly, by the way, are not the kind of thing He wants.)

I hope you enjoyed this new revision of The Tortoise and the Hare.

Goodbye, valiant reader,
Mitchell the depressing (but not depressed) writer